Jeff would have loved the spring day of his funeral.
He'd have that familiar wide grin when glancing at the dairy cows dotting the verdant valley that winds its way to Pe Ell. He would have squinted dreamily at the cloud puffs gracing the bluebird sky as he tended his garden. He would have marveled at the sparkling waters flowing past his fishing line. And the tears would have rolled off his full cheeks as he witnessed the sorrow of grief-stuck loved ones packed into his quaint church to say goodbye.
The minister and speakers did their best to assure us Jeff is finally at peace with his Maker, but the tragic fact is that he'd just become another statistic in the national epidemic of suicide. Like so many others who have been left behind, it is painfully confusing that a man who offered us so much love and compassion did not have enough for himself.
Unfortunately, the roll call of those taking their own lives is growing at an alarming rate. With that acceleration are the expanding ranks of parents, children, siblings and friends who have to live this unspoken nightmare. It is an unpleasant, unforgiving topic with unanswered questions for those of us who have lost loves ones at their own hand.
The grief of those left behind is often buried deep, though it surfaces, often to spoil a perfectly good moment. We don't want to forget them, but we tire of hurting. This blog is a way for me to expunge the angst I feel, shrouding a fine day with thoughts of those no longer able to share it.
The Wall Street Journal, America's largest newspaper, recently reported the alarming trend of suicide among baby boomers who are faced with the end of a meaningful career, a shrinking nest egg, declining health or simply a loss of self-worth. Previously the focus has been on our youth, distressed at social pressures or self-imposed isolation in their virtual worlds, who are also doing the unthinkable by ending it all.
Anger is a part of grief and it would be easy to consider suicide a coward's way out. We naturally wonder "how could they do that to us" or "didn't they know this horrible pain would last our lifetime?"
I gained a different perspective after talking to a young woman who had tried to take her life several times. In her twenties and a victim of sexual abuse, she survived her last attempt using poison, but had destroyed her internal organs and was thus having serious new physical issues.
"I know it looks terribly selfish," she told us (I'm paraphrasing). "And I guess it is, but what people don't realize is how powerful the wall of pain is that surrounds you. It is so bad suicide is the only way out. You can't see or feel anything except the wall."
It's that wall of pain that needs to be penetrated when we hear a call for help from someone in trouble. The wall could come from someone suffering a torturous, incurable disease or injury and seeks relief from their Heavenly Father, but they are playing God in the process. That's a frightening individual choice and my friend Jeff made his, though I do not worry about his soul.
Even sadder is the person without hope who sees suicide as the only option. That is haunting - a human being who can't sense anyone caring in a world absent of any love or hope. At times a sufferer can self-medicate into addiction - often just a prolonged method of suicide.
The message that needs to be delivered is that there is always hope, always. It may come from a medical professional, your friendship or your prayers. Even with all three, it may not be enough. If not it is not your fault.
No matter what situation drives someone into ending it, those left behind have lives that are changed forever - and not for the better. Suicide is not a graceful farewell gift.
For families and friends of those who have done the unthinkable, there's an organization called Survivors of Suicide (S.O.S.) that serves as a support group. They stress that despite the pain, you can survive and you may be able to help others by sharing. The nearest group to Lewis County (WA) is in Olympia and it meets every third Tuesday, 7:30 p.m., Westwood Baptist Church on Kaiser Road.
Well said, Denny. A fellow faculty member lost her brother to suicide a little over a month ago. She is in the anger stage right now trying to understand his actions. I've talked to her a couple of times and hope I've helped.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Denny. Your essay has made me think. A few reasons suicide may be on the rise have occurred to me.
ReplyDelete1 - Many people believe that if they are not happy, there is something wrong with them. This leads to shame and withdrawal. As a culture, we need to help each other understand that sadness, anxiety, fear, grief, jealousy, anger, etc., are normal human emotions that can be understood and thereby made less painful.
2 - People feel vulnerable and embarrassed asking for help. There is fear of upsetting those closest to them if they share the depth of their suffering and any suicidal ideation. There may be a lack of access to professional care, especially for the un- or under-insured or fear of the stigma of seeking professional help.
3 - There is often a sense of isolation in those who are suffering, that he or she is the only one who is suffering in this particular, excruciating way. Unless we connect with each other deeply, we may never realize that we are not, in fact, alone in our suffering at all.
4 - There desperately needs to be more acknowledgement of the depth of human emotional suffering and the many ways it can be addressed. There also needs to be increased respect for suffering as a pathway of growth and development for the human heart and for the flowering of compassion.
In the Buddhist tradition, we are encouraged to avoid taking the life of any sentient being, including our own life. There is no divine punishment of a suicide...no "sin"...but it is seen as cutting short a precious and rare opportunity to realize truth and to work compassionately to alleviate the suffering of others.
My young cousin, Nick, has not been the only suicide in my family. And I daresay the majority of families has experienced suicide. I think that increased awareness of the normality and pervasiveness of suffering and of the many ways of working with it might reduce suicide.